Thursday evening, 4 MayHotel Baur Au Lac
Just jotting down some impressions while they're still fresh in my mind. I'll have more to say later, after I've considered the implications of what happened today.
I had a call earlier this week from ... call him WS, my patient's French friend. It wasn't entirely unexpected; they've had no contact for almost three months, and the break wasn't of WS's choosing. Desperation finally overcame reticence, I think, but he had to know even before he picked up the telephone that it wouldn't be possible for me to tell him anything about WD. But he got in touch with me anyway.
[Real reason for initiating contact?]
I took advantage of the opportunity to ask if he'd be willing to talk to me a little about that last night with WD; there are things I should know about what happened between them, and WD can't help, as he has several lost hours. WS was with him, though; he's the only one who can fill in some of the blanks. He was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed to give me a little time to later in the week when he'd be coming to Zürich to meet a colleague. I warned him that WD would be coming here for the weekend, but WS assured me he'd only be in town for a few hours on Thursday (today), so wasn't running any risk of meeting his friend.
WS is quite charming (as expected). We met this afternoon in the park, as he was concerned about being overheard; natural enough under the circumstances, but then later he was worried that I might be taping our conversation. I let him look through my bag to see for himself that there was no recording device. That seemed to satisfy him. It turned out he'd even come up with an explanation for our "relationship" should anyone notice him talking to a psychiatrist. As far as the outside world is concerned, I'm to be his mistress. Ironic. I agreed to play along, but that meant I had to tell him he could call me by my first name; a potential problem shouled he ever consult me professionally, but one I didn't see any way to avoid.
[Note trust issues. Paranoia?]
I told him what I knew of his encounter with WD; all that I'd been told and all that I'd inferred. He became more and more distressed as he listened. When he took up the story, he started from the point where he left the bedroom. He didn't seem to really know why he felt he had to flee (I use the word deliberately); just said something about "him" coming. It was clear he wasn't referring to WD.
[An imaginary person or someone real? Trauma? Source?]
Then I got to see first-hand what WD has been trying to explain to me without knowing the techincal language. Instead of continuing to describe what happened after he left the bedroom from an external point of view, calling up a memory, he was suddenly inside
the memory and reliving the experience. It's no wonder that WD doesn't know how to deal with these incidents. Dissociative states are challenging enough when you understand what it is you're dealing with ... for a layman working blind, and having to do it in secrecy on top of that ... well, WD deserves more credit than perhaps I've been giving him.
By dint of much coaxing I got him mentally back to the bedroom again, wondering why WD hadn't come after him as he usually does, but too tired and relieved to have found his way back to WD to look for an answer. He simply went back to bed and slept until morning. When he awoke, he noticed something was wrong. WD was cold, and WS thought he was dead. Then without warning WS was reliving a different memory altogether, an incident like nothing WD has mentioned.to me. I tried to get him to tell me where he was, but he was already coming back to himself, looking and sounding shaken. He made an excuse about having to leave, and then literally ran away, back to the hotel
[What was the last incident? Someone dead and a steam-filled room ...]
I need to think more about all of this, and it looks like I'm still searching for answers about the suicide attempt and the breakup. I doubt I'll have another opportunity with WS anytime soon.
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You are in Volume 09 ("Weekend of Silvio's First Two Nights"), Chapter 01
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